Princess Sweeney and the Amazing Rick Man
by Professor Cassandra
Summary: No one throws a Halloween party quite like the Death Eaters, as you, dear readers, will soon discover. Whether you will find yourself amused by their drunken antics or scarred for life is beyond this author. Hopefully a little of each. Happy Halloween!


"My faithful servants!" Upon the Dark Lord's face was a solemn expression; his fingers were steepled in a very Mr. Burns-ish manner, his beloved snake Nagini perched on his shoulder. "I have called you here for a matter of great importance…."

A dramatic pause. The Death Eaters all stared at their master, anxious, slightly terrified, even a bit impatient for his sure-to-be stunning conclusion. Something was different today; normally only those Voldemort considered his top "McHomeskillet Burritos" were called to these meetings, but today he had summoned them _all_. There was scarcely room to breath as they all crowded together in the Malfoys' drawing room: fat Death Eaters, skinny Death Eaters, Death Eaters who climb on rocks, tough Death Eaters, sissy Death Eaters, even Death Eaters with chicken pox….

"Wormtail, kill that fellow with chicken pox over there," commanded the Dark Lord. "I don't want to catch it. Now, as I was saying, my friends, your input is needed today. It is crucial, actually."

Startled gasps echoed throughout the room. The Dark Lord Voldemort…asking _their_ opinion? Was he _high_ or something?

"SILENCE!" There was a gleam in his eye as his face twisted into something of a smirk. The crowd fell silent; they knew the conclusion was coming. "Now as you all know, tomorrow is the Annual Death Eater Halloween Party."

"WOO-HOO!" screamed someone in the crowd. That someone is now dead.

Voldemort continued, "Anywho, the party is tomorrow, my friends…and I have no clue what kind of costume to wear." He leaned back in his seat, petting Nagini as one might pet a kitten. "Go ahead; wow me."

All was still as no one dared speak, save a few bold individuals. "Go as Batman!" "No, go as the Joker!" "Ooooh, no, go as Wonder Woman!"

"Avada Kedavra, Avada Kedavra, AVADA KEDAVRA! Erm…no, I'd rather not go as them. Any other suggestions?"

Bellatrix Lestrange raised her hand.

"Yeeeeees, Bella?" said Voldemort, raising a nonexistent eyebrow.

Bellatrix smiled at him. "My Lord, I think you should go as Sweeney Todd."

"Sweeney…Todd? And why the crap would I do that?" He twirled his wand in his hand but everyone knew he wouldn't kill Bellatrix, seeing as she was one of the aforementioned "McHomeskillet Burritos."

"Because," she continued, "Sweeney Todd is awesome…_you're_ awesome…it's a no brainer!" She sighed longingly, refusing to take her eyes off her beloved master.

"But, Bella, I don't _like_ Sweeney Todd! That movie scares the crap out of me!"

It was all the Death Eaters could do to keep from laughing. One snickered; it was the last thing he ever did.

"Er…well then," continued Bellatrix with a shrug, "we'll make your costume a bit less…intimidating for you."

"How so?"  
"I'll show you!" said Bellatrix in almost a squeal. She jumped up ecstatically and shoved her way past all the "lesser" Death Eaters to the double doors at the far end of the room, returning only moments later with a complete Sweeney Todd costume. "I made it for you myself, Lord. I've never sewn anything in my life, but I learned for you." She sighed longingly. "My Lord, I love—"

"Why does Sweeney have a pink tutu?"

She blinked. "A…a what, now? Oh…oh right. I thought, you know…it might not scare you as badly."

"Well…mission accomplished." He tilted his head slightly to get a better look at it. "It's…quite humorous, actually."

Bellatrix looked as if she'd just won the lottery. "Oh, My Lord, I knew you'd like it! So you'll wear it?"

"Er…Bella, why do you _want_ me to be Sweeney Todd anyway?"

"No reason," she answered a bit too quickly.

"Are you sure? You put a lot of time into this…."

"I'm sure."

"Well…alright. MY FAITHFUL SERVANTS, FOR HALLOWEEN I SHALL BE PRINCESS SWEENEY!"

Oh yeah. He was _definitely_ high.

* * *

"_I gotta feelin'…that tonight's gonna be a good night…that tonight's gonna be a good, good night…"_

"WORMTAIL, TURN THAT MUGGLE CRAP OFF!"

"Sorry, Master…." Wormtail obediently removed his favorite Black Eyed Peas CD from the stereo and replaced it with Sickelback's latest.

"That's better. Now we can party down!" It was a very odd sight, the Dark Lord dressed as Sweeney Todd with a pink tutu, shaking his butt to the rock music and using phrases such as "party down" and "gettin' jiggy with it." But, after all, Halloween came only once a year….

"VOLDYPOO!" screamed Bellatrix, clearly hyped up on sugar already. "You look _fantastic_. Not that you don't always…."

"Voldypoo's" eyes grew wide as he looked Bellatrix up and down. "So _that's_ why you made this costume for me! Why, you sneaky…manipulative…"

"What? You don't like my Mrs. Lovett costume, Voldykins?" She giggled, putting an arm around him. "We look _adorable_ together now."

He narrowed his eyes at her, fuming. "Hey, Bella. You remember how _Sweeney Todd_ ENDS, don't you?"

She giggled again, batting her eyelashes at him. "Oh, you're funny, Voldelicious! Funny and cute…."

Her lustful gaze was starting to creep him out. He folded his arms stubbornly and glared back at her. "Hmmph. You don't even _look_ like Mrs. Lovett!"

She just rolled her eyes and giggled. "You're so adorable. Wait here, Sexymort, I'll go get us some punch!" And she skipped away to the snack table.

"Something wrong, Master?" asked Wormtail, looking utterly _wrong_ in his ballerina costume, complete with little pink slippers and a leotard which accentuated his man boobs.

"Wormtail, I'm scared. Would you keep Bella away from me tonight?"

Wormtail shuddered. "I'll do what I can, Master."

"Thanks. Say, has Snape gotten here yet?"

"I don't think so, My Lord." The doorbell rang. "Ah, that's probably him now."

Voldemort snickered. "I'll bet you ten Galleons he's dressed as Alan Rickman again."

"He _always_ dresses as Alan Rickman for Halloween, Master…" But the look in his master's eyes told him it was either take the bet or die a most miserable death. "You're on."

The front door swung open dramatically and Severus Snape marched in, his face set in its usual scowl, his disposition clearly stating, "Don't mess with me." Still, it's hard to take anyone seriously while they're wearing a Peter Pan style tunic with tights and a bright red cape.

Voldemort nearly fell over in shock. "WHAT THE CRAP, SEV?"

He spoke in a monotone, his face gaunt. "This year I am a superhero of my own creation. I am the Amazing Rick Man."

Voldemort and Wormtail exchanged glances. Technically, neither of them had won the bet, but Wormtail knew quite well he'd end up paying anyway.

"Er…," said Voldemort, "welcome to the party, Rick Man…."

"_Amazing_ Rick Man," corrected Snape. "He saves the world from the evils of crappy movies on a daily basis with his awesome powers of awesomeness."

There was a long period of awkward silence, after which the "Amazing Rick Man" simply walked away. Voldemort had come to the conclusion that Snape's costume was, in fact, the worst he had seen so far that night, including Wormtail's "overweight ballerina," Lucius's imitation of popular wizard rapper 50 Sickel, Narcissa's Paris Hilton getup, and Draco's…well, he wasn't sure what Draco was exactly, but it had something to do with glittery pink wings and a purple spandex jumpsuit. When Bellatrix returned with his punch he downed the entire glass in one big gulp, knowing it to be spiked.

"More," he demanded, and Bellatrix obeyed. After six or seven glasses of punch, the Dark Lord was sufficiently wasted, and although his vision was too cloudy to notice, so were most of his party guests. Ever imagined Severus Snape table-dancing while singing show tunes at the top of his lungs? Well, now you have.

"YOU GUYS ARE MY BEST FRIENDS EVER!" screamed Lucius Malfoy, stumbling about with a half-empty glass in hand. "EVEN YOU, WORMTAIL! I COULD HUG YOU RIGHT NOW!"

"Grooouuuuup huuuuuuuug," replied Wormtail, his voice slurred, and the hugging commenced.

"FOR MERLIN'S SAKE, WORMTAIL, YOU'RE NOT DOING YOUR JOB!" Spinning around on the spot, Wormtail gasped. Bellatrix was hugging Voldemort so tightly that he appeared to be suffocating, his face turning an ugly shade of purple. She swayed slightly as she held him tight, murmuring drunkenly about things like eloping to Transylvania and beautiful little Voldybabies with red eyes and frazzled black hair.

"I'm coming, Master!" shouted Wormtail as he stumbled over to them, pulled Bella off of Voldemort and tackled her to the ground.

"HELP!" she screamed. "GET HIM OFF! HE SMELLS!"

"Bella!" shouted Rodolphus, rushing to his wife's aid. As he helped her stand, Voldemort realized he hadn't yet seen Roddy's costume. "What the crap are you supposed to be?"

"Oh, well, you guys were going for a Sweeney Todd theme so I thought I'd join in." Rodolphus smiled and Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "I'm one of Sweeney's nameless victims. Bella even helped me out with my costume, didn't you, dear?" He winced as real blood dripped off of him onto the floor.

Bellatrix shrugged. "I thought it should be realistic."

"And you did a…fantastic…job, honey," Rodolphus said, attempting a smile. "Woah. I think I'd better go sit down for a few minutes…."

"Yeah, you do that." She didn't even blink as he fainted to the floor, blood staining the carpet.

"DUDE! YOU'RE STAINING MY FRICKIN' CARPET!" shouted Voldemort angrily.

"Oh, he can't hear you," Bellatrix put in casually, examining her fingernails as if nothing odd had just happened.

Wormtail stood up shakily then. "Um, Master, maybe we should all…go somewhere else? They seem to have found your fine china." A crash echoed throughout the room.

Snape appeared out of the crowd, leaning against the wall to keep from falling over. "H-hey, er…guys…. Anyone up for a farting contest?"

Voldemort blinked. "Definitely time to get the heck out of here. Ooooh, guys, you know what we should do? We should go egg Potter's house and then kill him!"

"YEAH!" screamed the drunken Death Eaters, grabbing their wands and parading out the door like a stampede of wild animals.

* * *

All was peace and quiet on the sheltered little suburban streets of Little Whinging. It was nearing midnight and most of the children had already gone to bed, their faces happily stuffed with candy, save a few troublemakers here and there. Such was also the case on Privet Drive…or at least, it was a moment ago.

"Got the eggs, guys?" someone whispered from behind a neatly trimmed hedge.

"Check," was the reply, coming from not too far away. "Wait a minute, though. Isn't this place protected by some charm or something?"

"That's why we'll be throwing the eggs from a _distance_, Wormtail!" said the first voice. "_Idiot!_"

"Sorry I'm so stupid, Master…."

"Yeah, so am I. But that's beside the point. Is everyone ready for Operation: Egg Potter's House and Then Kill Him to commence?" Unnoticed in the darkness, Lord Voldemort smirked, believing the names he always came up with for his missions to be nothing short of brilliant. _I never fail to amaze myself_….

"GO!" screamed an ecstatic Bellatrix, who had never taken well to stealth missions.

"Right, er…GO!" said Voldemort, and dozens of eggs flew at the Dursleys' house from all directions, each bursting open upon contact with a delightful resounding _splat._ So much for keeping a low profile; whooping and screaming now echoed throughout the night. It was easily the best Halloween any of them had ever had. Until…

"YOU RUDDY KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!"

The egg assault came to a standstill as the front door swung open, and there stood the most intimidating Muggle they had ever seen, his tacky plaid pajamas doing nothing for his already ghastly physique, his face beet red and twisted with anger.

"Call the police, Petunia!" he shouted; Voldemort could swear he heard a few grown men amongst the crowd whimpering like little girls. "I'll chase 'em off!"

"CHASE US OFF?" asked the Dark Lord incredulously. Some of the Death Eaters nudged each other, pointing to their master, whom they obviously viewed now as brave to the point of stupidity. He stumbled slightly as he stepped forward, still rather tipsy. "Oh, you won't be chasing anyone off, I'm afraid. You see, _I_ am the Dark Lord Voldemort, most feared man in the entire wizarding world, and _you_, my friend, are a pathetic, filthy Muggle. So if you please…"

He blinked, just now noticing what Vernon Dursley held in his hands. "HOLY CRAP, GUYS!" shouted the Dark Lord. "HE'S GOT A FRICKIN' _GUN!_"

With a triumphant smirk, Dursley lifted his rifle up high, aimed for the sky above and fired, and the Death Eaters all seemed to jump about twenty feet into the air before running, screaming, for their lives. Well, you couldn't exactly call it _running_; they were doing all they could, given the amount of alcohol in their veins. Perhaps it could be more accurately described as staggering, pushing, shoving, sometimes spinning in circles on the spot, and finally, falling flat on their faces in the middle of the street.

And then came the sirens, although nearly drowned out by Vernon Dursley's laughter. "THAT'LL TEACH YOU BLOODY TEENAGERS!" he screamed before retreating again into the safety of Number Four, Privet Drive. "Blokes seem to get bigger every year…." Shaking his head, he slammed the front door behind him.

* * *

"Hey, guys?"

"Yes, My Lord?" said the crowd in one low mumble.

"We really screwed up this year, didn't we?"

"Yes, My Lord…."

"SHUT UP," said One-Eyed Jack, their slightly deranged cellmate.

Voldemort sighed. It could have been a lot worse, he realized; although they all had to share one cell, he had to admit it wasn't the tiniest cell he'd ever stayed in on a Halloween night. "So, Jack, what are you in for?"

Jack glared at Voldemort with his one eye and grunted, "Killed m' mother."

"Ah. That's cool." Dressed up as Sweeney Todd with a pink tutu, the Dark Lord's scrawny, pale-white legs dangled off the edge of the bench on which he sat. "We egged Potter's house. We were totally gonna kill him too, but…"

"But he wasn't even _there_, My Lord," groaned Snape. "We were all too wasted to realize he stays at Hogwarts on Halloween! And now we're stuck here…in a Muggle jail…on Halloween night. Again."

"Wow," said Voldemort, "you're, like, a constant downer, huh?"

"Well, I for one," said Bellatrix with enthusiasm, skipping over to sit by her master, "don't care where we spend tonight. Just as long as I'm with you, My Lord."

"Er, that's…great, Bella. Just great." Inching away from her, he tried to catch Jack's eye…his _only_ eye…. "So, dude…er…how'd you get your nickname? N-never mind!" he finished quickly upon receiving a death glare. "So, er…no eye patch over that…gaping hole or anything, huh? That's…nifty."

"Why ain't _you_ got a patch over yer _nose_?" replied Jack with a sneer.

"…Point taken. So, er…who wants to play I Spy?"

It was going to be a _long_ night.


End file.
